she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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