I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
