The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
