Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
May the power of my ass compel you!!
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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