it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
