I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
