awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
