Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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