I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
