Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
