my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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