Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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