Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
