ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
