Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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