I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
