Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
