six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
