Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I want her autograph on my taint
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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