we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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