I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
