on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
