Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
