Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize