Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
