Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
