Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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