I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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