mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
