Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Randomize
