u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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