i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
