Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
