rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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