and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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