I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
