I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
i think i just lost a toe
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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