i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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