im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
