Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Omg I joined a choir last night...
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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