So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
