barbara walters just said penis...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
