Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
