Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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