I'm really into asian looking animals
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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