You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
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