Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
All I want is dick and wine.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
