you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
