John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
