I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
