pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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